Having now reseen all that is to be seen from the first two seasons of Game of Thrones, I thought I’d try my hand at throwing out some predictions about what the main characters might be in for when the endgame comes.  I’m tempted to read the books as I got the distinct feeling, particularly in season two, that there were many details and subplots that were omitted from the show for time’s sake that might help to clarify events and provide more of that great foreshadowing.  However, the publishing of the final books are held up, which might very well threaten the completion of the series.  So, I think I’ll wait until G.R.R.M. is done sitting at a keyboard crackling like The Mad King while he kills every character you like with fire.  Until then I have plenty of other things on my “To read” stack.  But I shan’t let that stop me from wild speculation.  So here’s my take on the survivability factor of our many important, doomed people of Westeros.

House Stark

Rob:  The King in the North and his formidable army of bannermen find themselves the pastrami in the everyone-in-this-area-is-probably-fucked sandwich, the bread slices being the area beyond The Wall and King’s Landing.  He’s lost his only bargaining chip with the Lannisters thanks to mother, and has no idea a monstrous hoard of ice-zombies have mobilized behind him.  He may have the forces, tactics, and scrappiness to take vengeance on King Joffrey, just in time to take a few thousand White Walkers straight up the bum.  At least he has a hot wife to mourn him.  Survivability Index:  There are far worse epitaphs to have than “Killed in battle by an ancient undead frost demon”.

Lady Catelyn: Cat returned from Camp Baratheon with a really promising girl-power duo thing going on with her and Lady Briene: the Amazon of Tarth. She quickly set about ruining that. No one can blame a mother for doing whatever it takes to try and get her children back, but her latest actions have completely lacked sense.  She singlehandedly decided to trade one of the best Lannisters for the worst Stark. That is if Joffery has any sense of fair play or honor to make this trade, and not just have Briene killed and keep both Sansa and his uncle/father.  That’s like betting on her creepy teat-sucking nephew to win a fist-fight versus The Mountain. It’s a bit painful to see a strong, intelligent woman be reduced to such stupidity.  While Rob would never harm her, or let her come to harm, he’d better find a way to control her before her actions start making as much sense as her erstwhile breastfeeding sister.  Seriously, that’s fucked up.  Oh, did I mention she seems to not give two fucks about her youngest two sons getting attacked in her own home by Theon “Please Approve of Me, Daddy” Greyjoy?  Why is she not caring about those children of hers?  Maybe I’m not giving her enough credit, at this point, getting all the Stark children back under one roof will probably be more difficult than getting a Dothraki shower.  At least she knows where Sansa is. I assume from here her actions will only get more desperate as shit really starts to go down. This war will call upon the older generation to make sacrifices in an attempt to protect their children, big sacrifices.  Survivability Index: About the same as her husband’s.

Arya:  No fruit borne of Ned Stark’s scrappy, resourceful, intelligence, dark-haired seed has ripened so quickly as Arya.  Despite her age, she has shown a great knack for recognizing when to run, when to fight, and how to make valuable allies at the right time.  Small, stealthy and able to summon a shape-shifting swordsman with a coin, Arya might become the first ninja in Westeros history.  It doesn’t seem like there are many situations that she won’t be able to sneak or fight her way out of; however I don’t think ‘a man’ can take an entire zombie army, regardless of how many deaths are owed to the Red God.  Survivability index:  You might have some years of living ahead of you, or you might die tomorrow. It depends on how our writer is feeling today.

Bran: The crippled son of Winterfell is on the run.  Ok, bad choice of words. He’s on the being-carried-everywhere-by-a-giant.  Like his previously named siblings, the young lord has shown the remarkable quality to gather a small band of loyal misfits and evade capture and/or death when it seems likely.  Currently on the lam with a capable and vicious wildling, two dire wolves, Hodor and his too-young-to-be-useful brother, Bran is off to do…  something. I imagine he will hook up with Rob’s army and do something significant as a horseback archer/prophet. Or not.  Survivability index: Hodor.

Sansa: I can only try to imagine the secret disappointment Ned and Cat held/hold in their minds for the black sheep of their house.  Two strong-willed, dark-haired, scrappy, honorable people have four strong-willed, dark-haired, scrappy, honorable children…    and one gutless, disgraceful, indecisive ginger.  The would-be princess has spent the entire series allowing herself to be bullied and degraded by Cersei Lannister and her King Ultimate Douchebag fiancée.  She has time and again failed to retain honor for herself or her house, and passed up many opportunities to free herself from her veritable prison in the palace.  She has, in fact done absolutely nothing helpful for anyone in 20 episodes. She has been so pathetic that a man with half of his face melted off pities her.  Luckily, wars are often won by having Stockholm syndrome.   What’s that? Wars are never won by having Stockholm syndrome?  Oh well.  Survivability Index: She said it herself: “The bad ones always live”. By that standard, Sansa will be the last Stark standing.  Or she could die tomorrow, who cares?

Lord Eddard: Still better than Sansa. Survivability Index: Still better than Sansa.

House Lannister

Cersei:  The Queen Regent of Incest and Hateful Eyebrows has excelled thus far at utilizing her family’s wealth and brutal passive-aggression to punish her enemies and keep her children safe and powerful.  A masterful threat maker and skilled manipulator, she has played the game well thus far, however she sits atop a mountain which many strong, violent people wish to climb.  And any eight-year-old can tell you that the first one to the top in a game of King of the Hill is the first to get trampled.  Her intentions are far too transparent, and there will come a day when there will be no King’s Guard or Goldcloaks between her and a hard sword penetration.  And that’s not a euphemism for what her close male relatives already do to her. Survivability Index: At least a few good months left to drink wine, insult people and wait for death by sword, wolf, zombie, or preferably motherfucking dragon. 

Jaime: Every story needs a smug asshole so we can cheer when he gets punched in the face.  The Kingslayer spent most of season two getting punched, berated and left to sit in his own shit, and no one thinks he’s suffered enough. It seems obvious that some kind of treachery will set Jaime free from his captor and he will return to King’s Landing.  At that point we can only hope that the sheer mass of the egos of the complete Lannister family in the same city will cause a black hole of cuntiness that crushes all of them into a singularity.  More realistically, the life expectancy of every cup bearer and hand maiden in the palace will drop as the sharp Lannister wit cuts them all to ribbons, or they look in the wrong window at the wrong time and have a little “fall”. Survivability Index: Far longer than we should be asked to tolerate, and I’m sure he’ll take down someone dear to us viewers first.  But it will be worth the wait when a motherfucking dragon rips him the fuck apart.  

Joffery: Remember when I said “Every story needs a smug asshole”? Welcome to the “Ad nauseum” section of that rule:  King Joffery “Baratheon”, First of His Name, Prick of the Andals and the First Douches, Scourge of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of No one.  The last act of the season for the vicious idiot on the Iron Throne was a hasty, ill-informed decision, agreeing to marry Margaery Tyrell.  This increases the number of hasty, ill-informed decisions he’s made to all of them. He will continue to piss off the entire population of the Seven Kingdoms and the viewership, and his elders will try in vain to keep him in check. Meanwhile, his queen will plot against him under his nose (perhaps he is a Baratheon after all).  Tactics and motivation don’t factor in much here, Joffery will continue to be a horrible cunt, and someone will take him out.  Someone needs to take him out.  I mean it. If there is a single kind or just god, old or new, this kid must die and burn in all the hells. Survivability Index: For fuck’s sake, someone fucking kill this little shit! 

Tyrion: (hold for applause)  The winner of the annual Lannister popularity contest fifteen years running ends season two one a bit of a downer.  He is thanked for his grace under pressure and brave mid-battle leadership with a sword to the face.  Scarred and demoted, where does everyone’s favorite half-man go from here?  Probably something like the Konami code, up and down, side to side, but bringing him all the way down will not be easy.  Tyrion has the intelligence, resources, and humility to ensure a long life.  He protected himself and his most favorite whore brilliantly as Hand of the King.  His worst enemies are his own siblings, which is quite advantageous when you need to know your enemy.  Additionally he can worm his way out of a variety of difficult situations, mainly by convincing brutes, hill tribes and other undesirables with a facility for murder to protect his ass.  The Lannister black sheep fills an important middle ground in Martin’s character structure. Characters like he and Sansa Stark prevent us from making black-and-white statements like “The Starks are awesome and the Lannisters suck”.  Try and argue that point if you want, but for whom will you weep more when they bite it, Tyrion or Rob Stark?  That’s what I thought. Survivability Index: At least two more seasons, if HBO likes viewers and not receiving death threats. 

Tywin: The Patriarch of Dickery has gone soft in his old age.  He has shown trust to his hated, deformed son and kindness to who he thought was a random, out-of-place girl.  He’s openly declared that he’s done with wars after this one, and is concerned only with ensuring that his legacy of douchebaggery lives on, because his old ass isn’t going to make it much longer.  But make no mistake; this old war horse-face won’t go down without a fight.  You should’ve heard the way he valiantly did battle with his enlarged prostate for two hours this morning in the latrine.  Survivability Index: He will go out being cut down on a muddy battlefield, probably making a (somewhat) noble sacrifice.  Or one of his non-dwarf children will get sick of how reasonable he’s being and push him down the stairs.  Too bad Life Alert hasn’t been invented yet. 

The Other Houses and Wildcards

Daenerys Targaryen: The Mother of Dragons finished season two as strong as anyone.  She went from weeping sex token to headstrong Khaleesi, burning warlocks with motherfucking dragons.  We can assume that Qarth is more or less hers, as people aren’t quick to try and fight the one who just locked the most powerful man in the city in a super-safe.  One might think that she could reasonably seat herself on a golden throne in The Greatest City that Ever Was or Will Be with three motherfucking dragons and say “You know what? I’m good.  More wine!”  But come now, of all the words that could have ever been used to describe Stromborn, “content” was never one of them.  And if she could take such a great city as Qarth with a handful of Dothraki and Ser Jorah, how much harder could it be to take King’s Landing?  The series is called A Song of Ice and Fire, this means that there damn well better be a giant battle between a glistening rank of White Walkers and three screeching, motherfucking dragons.  So loot some gold, get some men and ships, feed those motherfucking dragons and get your somehow-not-sunburned-after-a-long-trek-through-the-desert ass across the sea! Survivability Index: Not that great really, she’s a pretty delicate-looking woman.  Look, she’s just standing there looking confident, I can walk right up and stab her.  Here I go.  What’s “dracaris”? The hell does that mean? Dothraki jibberish.  And now to show off my stabbing technique, on three. One, two, FUCKFUCKFUCKFIREFIREI’MONFIREMOTHERFUCKINGDRAGONSFIRE!

Jon Snow: I’ll just wait for the fangirls to stop swooning…    Still?    Oh come on, snap out of it, ladies!  It’s the accent, isn’t it?  Ok, someone throw some cold water on them or something.  Alright, are we good? Everyone’s favorite bastard is a prisoner of the wildlings and is about to be introduced to their king, Mance Rayder, who probably became king by telling them that his name was Mance Rayder.  Because who is going to try and fight someone named Mance Rayder?  Anyway, one of Jon’s comrades from the wall kindly punched him in the face, then took a sword to the chest to make Jon look like a genuine deserter of the Night’s Watch, which is the only thing that is going to convince Mance Rayder not to immediately kill him. Worry not, though, Ned Stark’s super-sperm has proved that it does not give one shit what egg or womb is has to deal with, it is going to make a dark-haired, scrappy, brave kid.  That’s what geneticists call phenotypic dominance, when a sperm dictates to an egg what traits the kid will have (ok, I made that up).  Assuming he can use his inherent traits to not get executed, he seems to be somewhat out of the way of the White Walkers, which I assume are moving south.  And he’ll be alongside the only people in Westeros who are at all prepared to fight or avoid the undead army.  The problem is that we all know John is going to do something bravely stupid, like head south as fast as possible to try and protect his half-family from being impaled by ice-spears.  He really should’ve banged that hot redhead when he had the chance.  Survivability Index: He’ll be fine; the closer you are to danger, the farther you are from harm.  Wait, no, that’s the fantasy world that has a happy ending.  Wildlings, Wildwalkers, Greyjoys not named Theon, Lannisters, Baratheons, motherfucking dragons, these are the dangers he’ll face as he heads south. It’ll be like that Flash game where you fly a helicopter through a never-ending tunnel: you can’t win, you just see how far you can get before you crash and burn. 

Theon Greyjoy: Oh Theon. Theon, Theon, Theon.  All you wanted was some respect and glory for yourself, and you tried so very hard.  If only you hadn’t completely dicked everything up.  You can’t fight, intimidate, coerce, convince, rule, seduce, or properly decapitate anyone, so now you will pay the iron price.  Perhaps your sister or some other circumstances will save you from Rob’s wrath, but then I’m sure you’ll use your new lease on life to promptly dick up something else.  Survivability Index: Probably executed by a Stark, maybe killed fighting alongside his sister, ripped apart by ice zombies has a nice ring to it.  He has one job: die; but he’ll probably somehow dick that up.

Stannis Baratheon: What the hell, man? I mean, honestly, what’s your damage?  You’re shacking up with this redheaded voodoo lady and you father some kind of smoke-monster like this is Lost or something.  What’s up with that?  Am I missing something?  How could you not know that this witch was going to blast something evil out of that demon-vag? Then you use it to murder-kill your brother and take his men. Fine, you know what they say: “It ain’t a party ‘till someone fathers a shadow beast and uses it to assassinate their brother.” So you’re looking pretty good, Mr. Lord of Light.  You’ve got an army and fleet that is more than sufficient to take King’s Landing, but did you honestly think that Tywin Lannister was going to sit around in Harranhal and let you bitchslap his grandson off the throne? I thought you were a good tactician, good tacticians foresee possible scenarios that lead to defeat.  And they consider retreat when they suffer a minor setback, like green fire incinerating half your fleet.  And where was your monster-son while you were losing this battle?  What is the point of turning your sperm into a demon-murderer if you aren’t going to use it in the biggest battle of your life that you’re losing? What the hell, man?  Survivability Index: He will think he has the tactical advantage when he leads a charge with his last 200 men against 5,000 White Walkers. 

Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish: You know your kingdom isn’t exactly on the level when your treasurer is also a pimp.  The Lord of Bet Hedging and Unrequited Love has made out well thus far. He has offered some form of support to absolutely everyone important, and as such has been honored as a friend by everyone who has won/kept power.  We last see him in the throne room stuffing a Baratheon banner up his sleeve while waving Lannister red, as he is granted lordship over Harranhal, because he did something helpful during the battle apparently, though we don’t see him anywhere near the fighting.  It begs the question: What exactly is it about a former fortress that was trashed by motherfucking dragons decades ago that is so appealing to everyone? Tywin Lannister used it as a rest stop/torture chamber for a time, but there doesn’t seem to be anything the least bit valuable there.  Most of the buildings no longer have roofs, or walls, or structure. Is Baelish going to turn it into the world’s largest open-air brothel? Invent the slot machine and make it the Vegas of Westeros?  Either way, he’ll be able to keep it safe from any human armies, since he has many friends in powerful places and deep pockets.  Survivability Index: It depends greatly on whether or not White Walkers can be bribed with money and whores. 

Lord Varys: A question, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a robe, wrapped in a layer of blubber, wrapped in no penis.  He seems to know everything and doesn’t seem to do anything with that information,  he is also never the recipient of any threats, assassination attempts, or nary an unkind word.  He claims to value the good of the realm above all else, good luck finding any evidence to the contrary.  He knows everything about everyone, and the only things anyone knows about him are the things he allows us to know.  He’s like the CIA, only good at his job.  Either The Spider is one of those men that just likes to watch the world burn, or he is the ultimate puppet master who will be the only one left when it all shakes out.  Regardless, his tactics, while smart, lack any sort of courage whatsoever, it’s like the man has absolutely no bal-  oh, right.  Survivability Index: I can only assume that Varys was actually killed years ago by infection after he was relieved of his junk. And now he is a friendly ghost that watches everything that goes on and offers counsel and solace to all the pathetic living who are about to suffer so much.  He does kind of look like Casper…

Ser Jorah Mormont:  The man sent to infiltrate the Targaryen-Dothraki alliance and feed information back to Varys has gone rogue.  Through displays of strength and, perhaps a little something else, Daenerys has won the allegiance, and perhaps heart, of Jorah.  He has since forsaken all from Westeros and has protected and guided the Khaleesi through good times, rough times, really shitty times, and back around to good times.  Perhaps he’s doing it because he genuinely believes in Daenerys and would prefer her side to anywhere else in the realm.  Perhaps he still holds a grudge against Westeros in general, or some people there specifically. Or perhaps he recognized that there was a war brewing; a war where one side would have men and one side would have motherfucking dragons.  I’m certain he will be in the service of Daenerys until he gets cut down, sees her sit on the Iron Throne, or puts a knife in her back to take it himself.  Survivability Index: A knight in a game of chess: takes out some pawns, only to get unceremoniously sideswiped by a queen halfway through.

Sandor “The Hound” Clegane:  A half-faced man with a love of killing, a soft spot for gingers and severe PTSD is now roaming free to do, whatever.  He’s probably not welcome amongst any loyal to the Lannisters, and probably not out to make friends so, what now?  There’s always the possibility of a random encounter with the more important characters.  If he happens to be in a stabbing mood and comes across Arya and her two friends it could end up like a WoW PvP encounter where a level 50 smites a level 2 and two level 3’s just to be a dick.  Baelish’s bottom bitch is a ginger, maybe she tempts the brute and convinces him to be head of security for Litterfinger’s Suck and Fuck Hotel and Casino in Harranhal.  Survivability Index: Will take anyone in a clash of swords, will fare as well as a baby with a rattle against anyone with a torch. 

Briene of Tarth: Westros’s answer to Sporty Spice is sure to spill some blood, but carries a disadvantage that is proven deadly in this game: honor.  “Perhaps one day we will find out” if she can take Jaime Lannister in a fight, I hope to see that.  Too bad that would end with an over-zealous pikeman taking out her knee and ruining everything.  Survivability Index: There don’t seem to be any prophecies in which being “no man” would be advantageous, pity.

A Man from Braavos: I didn’t use the specific names Serio Forel or Jaqen H’ghar because as far as I know there is only one Braavosi in Westeros who just changes his face and ends up in the right place at the right time to help Arya Stark.  Same person or not, shape-shifters that are really good at murder are a deciding factor in most wars [citation needed].  A viewer will be interested to see when and in what form a man will next appear.  A viewer hopes a man can excel at killing a zombie, then another, then another, then another… Survivability Index: Says only one thing to Death: “Not today.” Death replies: “Request denied”.

Mance Rayder: If he’s half as powerful as his name, everyone not named Mance Rayder is screwed.  Survivability Index: The Legend of Mance Rayder sounds like the story of a man who killed everyone.

The Right-Honorable Lord of White Walkers Silas Hok’dorax, Esquire: In lieu of any information about the ancient, frost-wrinkled commander of the White Walkers, I’ve taken the liberty of making up a name and title.  Last time Silas got the bloodlust up, he wrecked so much shit that every human that was somehow still alive decided to build a wall so damn high it makes China’s wall building accomplishments laughable.  Well, a long summer is ending and the Hokdorax  murder-boner is frozen solid again.  In order to throw out any sort of prediction, I will have to make some assumptions, a lot in fact. We can actually glean quite a bit of information from the whole two minutes of screen time the White Walkers get, in the first scene of the series and the last scene of season two that had you screaming “Holy fucking shit! Shit is going down!”.  We can tell that these aren’t your mindless, foot-dragging, brain-eating zombies.  They have the intelligence to ambush rangers, and a clear command structure.  Their lord and leaders ride horses and issue shrieking commands, which the others follow.  Silas looks right at Sam, trying to hide behind a rock shitting himself, and clearly could not have cared less.  This implies that he has mind enough to assess that a weeping fat kid is no threat, and/or marching towards a goal (presumably The Wall) is more important.  The redheaded wildling girl says to Jon of one of her dead: “You don’t want that one coming back after you.”  This implies that when reanimated as White Walkers, the corpses retain some memory or even personality; that a particular White Walker may remember their killer. Or that a dead badass makes a more badass snow-zombie-soldier. This is fucking spectacular and horrifying.  So what does Lord Hok’dorax want?  World domination? It’s hard to imagine such pithy human wants such as gold and thrones are on the agenda of a near immortal yeti-man.  I imagine the plan is more along the lines of: rape everything to death with icicle hate-boners.  Survivability Index: An old wildling joke with a missing punchline: “How many motherfucking dragons does it take to defeat an abominable snow reaver?” I hope the answer is less than or equal to three.